TheBeanBlog

Go to Trader Joes or your favorite supermarket with a forklift and purchase every prepared frozen dinner and lunch you can stuff in your freezer.  This will come in very handy in those first days and weeks.   I would also recommend paper plates and paper cups.   You’re not going to be interested in doing dishes.

Given you having a boy, be prepared to be pee’d on on a daily basis.  If you have fear about this, get over it now!  You will be surprised how far the little guys can shoot!

Try to support your wife as much as you can.  It will be very hard in the beginning, especially if she breastfeeds.  Overall, she will take the brunt of everything and may be overwhelmed at first.   At times, Kell was weepy and sometimes its hard to figure out how to help.   Sometimes a hug is the best solution.   It will make you feel better too!

If there are any guy things you want to do, now it the time.   So you wanted to organize the garage, forget about it after your little one is here!   The boat has been in the water for 3 weeks, and I haven’t even seen it.  Hopefully it is still floating!

You may feel like you will break the baby.  The  head at first seems like it will roll off!   I try to scoop the head up from underneath when I pick him up.

I like to take my shirt off and lay in bed and put Charlie on my chest for tummy time. This help strengthen his neck.   He loves the warmth and seems to really enjoy it if he’s upset.  I also do a ‘baby massage’ in a clockwise direction to push out his gas!

If you have a night stand next to your bed, don’t worry, it’s not big enough.   Something the size of a small kitchen table may do better!   You’d be surprised now many things need to be within reach at night (formula, diapers, bottles, nipples, burp rags, ear plugs :), and on and on.

Breastfeeding is nothing like I thought it would be.  I figured it’s like a puppy and you place him near the boob and he goes to town.   Not at all!  A lot of mom and baby training and learning.  When he first learned to do it, it was very special. 

Bring good shoes and advil to the hospital on the delivery day.   My feet and legs were sore, but maybe you are more used to being on your feet than I. I felt like a wimp that my legs were sore after all Kell had been through!  Needless to say, I tried to keep it too myself.

Bring a small camera into the OR if by chance your wife needs a c-section.   When the doctor pulled him out, they laid him on the scale and looked to me and said “camera, daddy, camera???”.  Of course, I left it in the room we were in.   No big deal but just a thought.

When I sent out our email announcement with his pictures, I sent it to about 50 people or something like that.   Next time, I am going to add a line that says “I may not be able to get back to everyone who replies to this email.  It’s pretty hectic right now….”  That way you don’t feel obligated to reply to the hundreds of emails that will follow!

Everyone told me it was going to be hard and I thought I knew.   Honestly, it’s tought but the thing people didn’t express to me was how awesome it all is.  It’s the best and hardest thing we’ve ever done.    You guys are really going to enjoy it.   Even when it’s hard, you guys will look at him and your heart will melt.  Good luck!

The other part of me knows perspective and thanks God that I just have a happy, healthy, beautiful baby and an amazing and supportive husband. I’m going to try and focus more on having the right perspective and having gratitude for my blessings.

She examined Charlie and determined that he was tongue tied (a condition that makes breastfeeding very difficult and painful- go figure). Went to the pedi today and she confirmed it. So now my poor baby has to have surgery tomorrow to clip the frenulum (the connective tissue that connects your tongue to your mouth).

The worst part- I am going to have to hold him down while they do this. The other option was to have the procedure performed in a hospital under anesthesia- we weren’t going for that considering the risks for an infant to be ‘put under.’

I’m trying to be positive about this knowing that it is not an ‘optional surgery,’ and that hopefully we’ll be much more successful with breastfeeding after the surgery. I won’t let myself cry about it because there are far worse conditions a baby could have and I’m extremely blessed that Charlie is happy healthy and thriving- he weighs 8 lbs 3 oz now.

The other thing that the LC mentioned was that I should be checked out to see if there is any residual placenta still remaining. This is because my milk supply, despite every effort and intervention I’ve made, isn’t really increasing. So I called my OB and mentioned my situation. I was suprised when they told me to come in for an HCG blood test and ultrasound. I thought with a C-section they would have ‘collected’ everything, but there’s a possibility they missed something. We’ll see what tomorrow brings.

4 weeks 1 day

Fast forward to this past Friday. I’ve been attending this fantastic post partum group at my hospital. I found out my hospital maternity store also carried the correct sized flanges that I needed for my pump. I’ll digress here for a moment- I’ve been having a ton of pain from pumping and only recently learned that it’s because I had the wrong sized flange or “nipple shield” as they also are known. So anyways, off I go with Charlie to the maternity store to buy my new, improved, smaller shields.

I see-as I’m paying- this breast pump bustier that promises to leave you hands free. I ask the girl if it really works- and she says Yes! Now listen, if you were attached to a milk machine 8-10 times a day for 20 minutes at a time anything that would allow you more freedom and mobility sounds absolutely amazing.

For those that don’t know: most breast pumps are not hands free, meaning you literally have to hold the bottles that collect the breastmilk so not to lose suction and spill milk all over your lap (which I have done multiple times and nearly cried- yes, over spilled milk- because every drop is so precious at this point).

I ask the girl to throw in a new sexy bustier for me as well. Then it hits me. As I was walking to the car I realize that the very object I just enthusiastically purchased was also the same one I laughed at months ago in the magazine. Ah, the irony. Here’s a shot of the newest addition to my lingerie drawyer:

Meow!

That means that, while I was allowed to limit my dairy intake before, now I have to completely eradicate any trace of dairy (and soy) from my diet now in order to keep Charlie happy and healthy. Charlie’s doctor may want to put him on a different formula yet again (more elemental) and that probably means more $$$. It motivates me even more to try and be successful with the breastfeeding.

Also added to the list of foods I’m not allowed to eat- anything from a cow (including beef), soy (obviously), chocolate-that brings a tear to my eye, caffienated anything, acidic fruits, most grains and nuts, spicy foods and pretty much every type of veggie I like (they are all too gassy for Charlie’s tummy). Thinking it won’t be hard to lose those last few pounds of pregnancy weight- because there’s not much I can eat ha, ha! I’m starting to feel like a glutton for punishment.

I do have to say that despite all the obstacles we’ve hit, there is a silver lining for Mommy. I lost about 20lbs in less than two weeks- and I’m thinking I’ve lost more since I was last weighed at the docs, because my maternity jeans are getting looser.

Tonight I will be baking cookies with light olive oil instead of butter because I cannot go a day without the sweet, warm and chewy goodness of cookies.

Last night as Joe and I were spending time playing with the baby I went to push a stray strand of hair behind my ear and I, err, felt something. I scratched my ear and looked in my hand to find a nice chunk of dial soap. I seriously had half a bar of soap stuck behind my ear. The real Mom moment: When I turned to Joe and said, “At least it’s not spit up.”

The trouble for me began when I was not able to breastfeed Charlie immediately after my c-section. He fell into a deep ’slumber’ after I came out of recovery and although I tried that night several times, he wasn’t latching. The next morning Charlie was circumcised and was even more woozy. Around noon time I had a lactation consultant help me try again and this time we were somewhat successful, even though he was falling asleep every couple minutes. Although I had a setback when my pain got ahead of me and, not being aware that I had to request pain medication, I was a mess towards the early afternoon and most of the night.

The rest of my hospital stay I made sure I was available “on demand” for Charlie around the clock. I started to develop blisters on my nipples, but hearing stories from other women, I knew it would be painful so I just took it. Poor Charlie ended up spitting up some of his feedings because there was so much blood he had taken in.

We came home on Friday, May 2nd and I continued to try and nurse him around the clock. Friday night we settled in around 9:30 pm with Charlie in his bassinet beside me. At ten he was crying to eat so I nursed him for about a half hour, burped him and then put him down to rest. Fifteen minutes passed and he was crying again, and rooting like crazy so I put him on my other side and went for another half hour. This was how the whole evening played out from 10pm until 7am, he wanted to nurse.

I had read that newborns can ‘cluster feed’ to try and bring your milk in more and the lactation consultant told me he wouldn’t eat if he wasn’t hungry so I didn’t stop him. Joe stayed up with me most of that night, but at about 3am I told him to get some rest. I remember Joe waking up at 5am and seeing me sway with Charlie in my arms at the edge of the bed. Joe said, “Oh no you’re still awake,” and then I burst into tears!

Saturday played out similarly with tons of feedings and at this point my breasts ached so badly I thought they might fall off. Sunday we kept Charlie up for most of the day and he slept better that night, but I was beginning to dread each feeding because the pain so white searing hot.

Monday we had our first pediatrician appointment and my group has a lactation consultant so she can in to visit with me as well. She took one look at my chest and told me that I needed to start pumping exclusively to allow myself to heal. In addition to that she told me I had multiple blockages and should see a therapist about it. The final blow was that poor Charlie had lost another ounce and I would need to start supplementing with formula. I left the office in tears feeling quite defeated- oh and with a prescrip for nipple ointment-oy.

I had the appointment for ultrasound therapy to clear out my blockages on Wednesday (between Monday and Wednesday I was still a mess physically with the pain and pumping around the clock was not helping with the extreme sleep deprivation). The only time they could fit me in was 7:15am in a town that was a half hour from our house. Totally insane but I was desperate for help so I went.

The therapist was extremely cruel to me. She berated me for showing up on time, saying I should have arrived at 7am to fill out paperwork and that she would not be able to give me a full treatment because of that. I had a breakdown (probably my 20th!) in the patient room and basically begged her to help me. If I wasn’t so desperate to be out of pain I would have told her off. Looking back now I can’t believe how awful she was, to a new mom in such a vulnerable position.

Anyways she gives me the treatment and what she calls is a “massage” after the treatment. Says it will be slightly uncomfortable. The word “massage” implies soothing and gentleness to me. This was much closer to a form of medieval torture. One of the worst experiences of my life. Again I digress…

This is where things start to get fuzzy for me, because, this journey as I have called it, has been marked with so many obstacles that I’d like to forget most of it. The pain continues, I call local La Leche League contacts, I have a lactation consultant make a house call, call the hospital nurse line and my pediatrician for help as well. The lactation consultant initially prescribes fenugreek and blessed thistle, two herbal supplements to help increase milk production. These, in addition to goat’s rue (prescribed to me at a later time) are the reason for my post title. I felt like I needed to dance naked by a waning moon-wiccan style- to try and make this breastfeeding thing work.

In the interim of all of this Charlie proves to be both milk and soy intolerant, so the formulas he was on caused him a lot of grief as well and kept us up most nights (gagging, mucousy, painful gas). I felt and still feel awful for my poor baby, as he continues trying to adjust to the Alimentum formula and is having trouble.

I am now on domperidone (a prescription med) to try and up my milk supply, in addition to pumping around the clock. The pumping has been difficult and painful still because I haven’t been able to find a “flange” that fits my breasts and that has led to chafing and yet more pain. Also, having to pump around the clock and then feed the baby, change the baby and feed myself and then start the cycle again takes up the whole day and doesn’t leave much time for rest. So now you know why I have been incommunicado for quite a while.

I must say that there have been several times in this journey where I have wanted to quit because of the pain mostly. The pain I experienced from the c-section (which was pretty intense) pales in comparison to the pain I’ve had with BFing. Maybe it’s also because it’s coupled with a pain in my heart for this being so tough, something I wanted so desperately to work, to be able to bond with my sweet little boy and nourish him at the same time. I haven’t given up yet, I keep thinking back on everything I’ve gone through so far.

I went to a post partum class at my hospital on Friday. It was great to get out and to talk with other women going through similar situations. I have to admit that I felt a pang of jealousy for those women though, because every single one of them breeastfed their baby at some point during the class. Although I also felt a bit of hope when one woman told me that she had to pump exclusively for 5 weeks and now was successfully breastfeeding exclusively. I hope I can be a success story too.

3 weeks old.

Sunday (April 27^th) was a pretty uncomfortable day and I ended up spending most of the day laid out on the bed with Joe. I was having contractions but they were still not consistent in timing so I held off on calling the doctor - didn’t feel like making another trip that would be a false alarm. We tried going to bed early but I woke up around 11 with pain and tightening, I was able to get myself back to sleep for a few hours and woken up again around 2 am. From 2 until about 6:30 I had stronger contractions at about 7 minutes apart and was pretty uncomfortable. Fell back asleep until 8 am and decided to give the doctor a call.

I called the office and let them know that I had been up most of the night with more painful contractions that had started to space out around 6 minutes apart and wanted to see if I could move my appointment up earlier in the day since it was scheduled for 2:45pm. The nurse mentioned she would rather speak to the doctor on call about whether I should actually go into the hospital, which shocked me a bit. She told me she would call back after speaking with him. I had already asked Joe to work from home so he was with me.

The nurse called me back pretty quickly and said my doctor wanted to have me checked at the hospital. In a state of semi-shock, because deep down in my heart I knew this was it, I finished getting ready for the day, blew out my hair and threw on a little make-up to make myself feel better. Joe helped out by cleaning out the dishwasher, taking the trash out, cleaning Malc’s box out and straightening up. We made it over to the hospital at about 9:30 am and I was pretty uncomfortable.

The nurses “checked” me into a room in labor and delivery and set up the monitors to check the baby’s heart rate and contractions. After putting in an IV with fluids and monitoring me for about a half hour it looked as though I was having regular contractions but not really “strong” enough. My doctor was in surgery so another doctor from my group came in and checked out how dilated I was. I was about 4 centimeters and 60% effaced at that point so he decided to break my water to make things progress faster. It was an extremely surreal experience to have my water broken for me, not a bit painful, but it just made reality set in for me that we were now not going to leave the hospital.

After my water broke the contractions came on every 11/2 to two minutes very strong and to a new level of pain that I had never explored before. They called the anesthiologist for my epidural and he came within a half hour, thank god. Epidural went in perfectly, the doctor and nurse were amazing (no pain, my only concern was trying to sit still during a contraction). Joe stepped out to get something to eat while I had the epidural and came back with a pizza. I remember wondering to myself, why the heck he was having pizza for breakfast- little did I know it was already 12:30pm.

The epidural started to kick in after about ten minutes. I was able to relax a little bit and tried to take the advice of the nurse and have Joe and I get a little rest. I could still feel the pressure and tightening on my belly but, the pain was gone. After about an hour of contracting and watching HGTV (I couldn’t rest!) my doctor came in to take how much I had progressed. He determined I was still only 4 cm dilated at that point- no progress. When he finished examining me we both noticed that I passed a large mass of tissue.

About a half hour after my doctor checked me I was watching the monitors for the baby. Suddenly the baby’s heart rate declined. It had been averaging around 140 bpm. I watched as the rate continued to drop all the way down to 60 bpm. Joe and I looked at each other fearfully and I hit the call button. As I was pushing the call button my doctor and nurse came rushing into the room. They tried to reposition me on my side to get the baby’s heart rate back up- no luck. They had me get on my hands and knees, and the heart rate seemed to improve ever so slightly (still less than 80 bpm).

My doctor told me that he thought a c-section was necessary as I was only 4cm dilated and they baby was showing signs of distress. He would have considered having me deliver vaginally if I were fully dilated. The nurse handed me release forms to sign and they wheeled me off to the OR. I couldn’t believe how fast everything had happened; we had only arrived at 9:30 in the morning and were going to have this baby before 3pm. I wasn’t able to absorb it all. Time seemed to lose it’s meaning that whole day.

Poor Joe had to stand and wait in his scrubs, as he watched me pushed down the hallway. The doctors, nurses, and neonatologist were all wonderful to me as I was prepped.

Joe came in and my doc told he was going to get started. I remember him telling me that he was going to give me a “bikini line incision”, very surreal when all I could think about was the baby. I jumped when they cut into me with the cautery pen (despite their checking to see if I was numb); they had to up the epidural. Within minutes I heard my doctor telling me the baby’s head was out, then the shoulders, finally he announced, “It’s a boy!” Joe and I looked at each other and simultaneously burst into tears and laughed from joy. Little Charlie was bellowing quite a cry himself.

Joe was able to hold him and brought him close to me, unfortunately I couldn’t touch him because my arms were strapped down from the surgery. It took about a half hour from them to put me back together and then I was wheeled into the recovery room. My doctor then shared with me how his intuition had told him I wasn’t going to be able to deliver vaginally. A little strange, seeing as I had had a dream Sunday night that I had to have a c-section because of the baby’s declining heart rate. He also thought I might have had a placental abruption (the mass of tissue I had passed earlier in the day), and that could have been the cause for the sudden drop in Charlie’s heart rate.

I wasn’t able to nurse Charlie on the spot because of my time in the recovery room. My Mom made it to the hospital at that point and she was allowed to come back and see me. After about an hour I was wheeled down to the nursery and able to hold my little guy for the first time. Here’s our first shot together :o)

Recovery was tough and slow going. I found out after the fact that Charlie was sunny-side up, which my doctor thinks added to his going under distress. I remember feeling him try to descend for a week before. I would feel a lot of pressure and pain and then he would travel north again and I would feel a little relief. Poor guy was trying!

I plan on sharing our breastfeeding ‘journey’ in my next entry. For me, breastfeeding has been far more difficult than L&D and recovery. But we’ll save that for another day.

Charlie has both Joe and I wrapped around his tiny finger ;o)

Anyways, I promise to have the birth story up ASAP…